[From McSweeney's]
Mom and Dad keep talking about this recession and I gotta say: it's awesome! Yesterday, I ate pizza for breakfast, mac and cheese and hot-dog cubes for lunch, and then more pizza for dinner! Mom said that I could eat as much McDonald's as I want, and she even offered to leave me there in the ball pit for an entire day while she went and looked for new jobs! Awesome!
Every day after school, I used to go to violin lessons, but now Mom says I don't have to go anymore! This is so awesome because the violin was so boring and my teacher, Mrs. Calabrass, smelled like the attic and didn't let me drink soda! But now I don't have to deal with Mrs. Calabrass or listen to stupid Brahms with her! I hate the attic — but I love this recession!
We'd planned to go to France or something for our family vacation. But now, since it's the recession, we're all going to Gilbert's Goofy Park and playing minigolf and going on the go-karts! And even batting cages maybe, too! I don't think France has any batting cages or go-karts, so this is an amazing, amazing thing! I think if I'm good I can probably eat pizza at Gilbert's Goofy Park! I love pizza and I love this recession!
Dad's been home so much recently and it's been awesome! He just wears underpants and watches sports highlights and eats Cooler Ranch Doritos, which sounds super fun! I have to go to school, so I only get to see him when I get home, but yesterday Dad and I played Xbox together for six hours! He started off pretty good at the games, but each hour he got worse and worse, and soon he started making weird noises! He even started saying his words all slow and jumbled like a crazy man! He's really having a good time in this recession! So am I!
We used to have to drive like a gazillion hours in the car to get to Grandma's weird big blue house with no TV, but now Grandma drives her new house over to us in her new RV! It's amazing! I totally didn't know cars could also be houses and have stoves and have TVs, but they can! Grandma has it all thanks to the recession. And so do I!
Man, I hope this recession never ends. Me and my friends always high-five each other when we hear an older person say, "Not in this economy," because we know it always leads to something awesome for us! This is the best childhood ever! I could live like this for the rest of my life!
I love this recession!